A little More Navel Gazing

I would like to thank all of you who committed on my last blog (and those who read and chose not to comment or to point out my errors.)

I don't think I am going though "Midlife Crisis Part II." FD, I am guessing, hopes not. Following my last one I married her and even thought she likes the HBO program "Big Love" I am not sure she would want a sister/wife :) But I am feel adrift.

My job, which on the whole I like, has lately been fuzzy. Not sure what my job is now. New boss seem to want to do what my job has been and at the same time I feel like I am making "boss" decisions to keep thing moving at work.

I don't want the "boss" job. I do not have the credentials to do the job and fund raising is not my passion, I can do it but it was not what I was hired to do. Boss wants to do what he perceives as the glamor part of my job, flying half around the world for a two day meeting. That to me is not glamor but a week of unsettled sleep.

The hardest part at work right know is that there is an expectation of fawning over everything he does. I know - I know it speaks more to his insecurity than anything else and I don't mind giving praise when it is a natural response and as a pastor I look for thing to help people to see God at work in their lives but I an not "The Pastor" in my job here, I do not want to spend time noticing every little thing my boss does and praise him for his brilliance in booking a flight (because he has just told me how great a job he has done)!

That said, my understand of leadership is that troubles flow up and praise flow down.

Maybe it is my stoic Presbyterian outlook, but when I do something well, as long as I know it (and if I do God knew before I did) it does not matter if anyone else notices. Anyway doing things well is what is expected, praise should not be expected.

I also think giving praise is like giving presents, giving is a whole lot more fun than receiving.

The only time when giving praises and gifts are not fun is when they are expected or preserved to be deserved.

I guess this goes back to my understand of salvation. Salvation is only salvation when it is unexpected and undeserved.

Long Time No Write

I have not posted here for some time. Not sure why, but it could be:

• I have nothing to say (unlikely if you know me)
• Have a very hard time blogging from home
• I work at computer for 6 hours a day and don't want to face a key board
• To tired to type
• To busy with son
• Too many books to read

I think the real reason is that all my life writing has been a source of pain. It is not that my fingers hurt (but I am getting some Arthur). It is emotional pain and how I see myself.

Because of learning problems (the labels have changed with time but I still have the same problems, phonically illiterate, what is know called "ADD," distressingly acute hearing and horrible rote memory.) I have almost a phobia about writing. I know that no matter what I write, how good the content, how accurate the information is, The first thing people say to me is "you miss spelled ____" -"you used a comma wrong" -"That is not a sentence."

It was okay if the person was teacher but as an adult everyone thinks they have a write to commit on my flaws in writing. I don't comment on what ever flaw they have why is it okay for you to point out mine. Is it because they have proof of my flaw, it on paper and it can be saved and referred to. It is hard to capture bad breath or arrogance. An arrogant person may not understand arrogance is a flaw to begin with.

I want to say get past the form and get the idea of the message behind it. Maybe one of the reasons I like Kierkegaard is that in the English translation, the meaning gets thought if you forget the structure of the writing.

About the time I stopped blogging was when I realized how often my new boss was amused at my minor writing errors. I learned a long time ago that some one has to proofread my stuff to add the things my fast moving - addled brain miss when I edit my own writing.

I have to write, a lot every day, it has gotten harder and harder to set myself to the task.

Starting today when I blog I will:

• I will not worry about having to be perfect in my post.
• I will use the spell check and look up words I have misspelled so badly the sell check can't come up with a correct spelling
• I will leave alone words that are spelled correctly but look wrong
• I will not let the grammar and spelling police make me feel like a seven year old who can not memorize the spelling list and told adnauseam "sound it out"(If I could sound it out I would have, you have told me this for the hundredth time, STOP)

By the way adnauseam is not in blogger's spell check. I spelled it correctly but I still had to look it up because the spell check could not figure it out!

If you are reading this and have tendency be part of the grammar and spelling police.

Pretend that I am writing in Danish and that has been translated into English.